YES, I WEAR WOMEN'S DEODORANT

It’s not by choice, I assure you. But when your options are limited a guy does what a guy has to do – even if it means wearing women’s deodorant.

As I’ve discovered it’s really not that different than wearing men’s deodorant. I mean, it’s not like I’ve said I wear women’s underwear. As comfortable as the thought of silk against my skin feels I’m just not sure that a string up my crack and the lack of room for frontal ‘baggage’ radiates comfort. Anyway, I digress.

So “why” you ask, do I wear women’s deodorant? The thing is, many years ago as a teenager when I started wearing deodorant it was the gel-based stuff that I wore. It had a manly fragrance and wasn’t that unlike the brands the other guys my age were wearing. Eventually, I moved on to a stick-based product, which had suited me fine for years.

About a month after moving to Ireland I noticed that I was running low on my Old Spice, Long Lasting Deodorant and Antiperspirant Stick. “Better pick up some more next time I’m in town for a shop”, I thought to myself. As planned, the next time I was in town I went searching for it on the shelves of the grocery store. No luck. So I went to the pharmacy. No luck there either. I checked a handful of places and all that was on the shelf for men was the roll-on kind or a spray; both products I’ve never really been that fond of to be honest. Not that they’re bad; I’m sure they work quite fine for many guys. They’re just not for me. It’s also not that I’m unwilling to try new things (moving to a new country on the other side of the world was certainly out of my comfort zone). I guess a big move and switching deodorant type was too much for this old dog. Baby steps, John.

As I rushed around the shops searching high and low for a musky, stick-based product my patience wore thin and it was apparent that I’d have more luck capturing a leprechaun than finding a solid stick of antiperspirant. Shit! In a pure fit of desperation I nonchalantly sauntered past the women’s section and from a distance spotted something that somewhat resembled a product I was familiar with. I wanted to investigate further; however, the area was chock-full of women perusing the selection. (Like most retail products, women always seem to have many more options than men.) I hesitantly approached the ladies and a wave of embarrassment flood over me as if these fiery Irish birds would judge me and with their critical laughter they’d tear me apart limb from limb. “Johnny, man, you’re being paranoid”, I nervously told myself. And the truth is that I was. “Suck it up, man! You’re buying deodorant not tampons.” With a deep breath I gained my composure and did what any red-blooded man in my position would do – I got the fuck out of there.

Like a child that lost his parents in a crowded shopping centre I furiously rushed around the store in desperate search of my wife. She’s a woman; my “in” to those places less frequented by the male gender. Surely she’d help me with my predicament. “WTF is with the men’s deodorant selection in this country?!” I asked her. Of course she had no idea what I was talking about because frankly she’s never had to buy men’s deodorant. After a quick explanation (actually it was more like five minutes, which is a long time to linger in front of the toothbrush section of a grocery store) she said the words I was dying to hear. “Do you want me to help you?” YESSSSSS!!

A plan was swiftly put into play and hand in hand we headed back to where those ladies had frightened me off earlier; this time with the confidence of a prize fighter and determination of a young Olympian. Sure enough, the selection was abundant – roll-on’s, sprays, gels and yes, the stick. We found the most neutral-scented one on the shelf (Dove brand – very soft on the skin) and made a bee-line for the checkout. A self-service checkout too – bonus!!

That was over two months ago and I’m happy to report that my underarms have been dry and most people that I keep company with are none the wiser to my use of feminine hygiene products (until now) – deodorant only just to be clear. I’m still not exactly sure why it’s unusually difficult to find stick-based men’s deodorant in Ireland. Perhaps one of you generous Irish lads will point me in the right direction; have I just not been looking in the right places? Perhaps one of you sympathetic Canadians will be kind enough to mail me out some Old Spice?

My deodorant dilemma is an example of only one of the many differences I’ve discovered since moving to this country and it certainly won’t be the last. Check back soon for future blog posts about Irish drivers, their unorthodox parking methods and to find out exactly how far my patience with it will stretch before snapping.